The first round of the real 2013 NFL Draft takes place in just a few hours and while the NCAA has some stellar athletes to offer pro ball, the video game world could make quite an impact as well. Here’s a breakdown of how I think the current draft order would play out this year if the teams were drafting characters made famous by video games.
Kansas City Chiefs With the first selection in the NFL Video Game Character Draft, the Kansas City Chiefs select Master Chief. Philip Rivers and Peyton Manning are great field generals but neither have the ability to run and gun like this guy.
Jacksonville Jaguars
With the second selection in the NFL Video Game Character Draft, the Jacksonville Jaguars select Pikachu. The Jags are constantly trying to ‘catch em all’ in their division, so Pikachu is a good pick. If you’re going to go 0-16, you might as well look cute doing it.
Oakland Raiders
With the third selection in the NFL Video Game Character Draft, the Oakland Raiders select Marcus Fenix. The Raiders need a field general of their own, and with Master Chief off the board, Marcus is ready to show hungry Raider fans how Emergence Hole destruction will lead to Black Hole eruption. Just win baby!
Philadelphia Eagles
With the fourth selection in the NFL Video Game Character Draft, the Philadelphia Eagles select Little Mac. The Eagles foolishly professed themselves as a ‘Dream Team’ in 2011 before falling flat on their face. Little Mac will bring much needed toughness and heart to the City of Brotherly Love.
Detroit Lions
With the fifth selection in the NFL Video Game Character Draft, the Detroit Lions select Eddie Riggs. The Lions need a Roadie of Eddie’s caliber to transform their defense from a ‘Sissy Stomping Snooze-fest’ into a ‘Rock City Rampage.’
Cleveland Browns
With the sixth selection in the NFL Video Game Character Draft, the Cleveland Browns select Meat Boy. He may not help them win many games but fans in the Dawg Pound will be too busy salivating through their masks over his beefy-backside to notice.
Arizona Cardinals
With the seventh selection in the NFL Video Game Character Draft, the Arizona Cardinals select Angry Birds. Everyone knows the Angry Birds know how to hit their mark, which is more than we can say about the current Arizona Cardinals QB core. This is a solid peck!
Buffalo Bills
With the eighth selection in the NFL Video Game Character Draft, the Buffalo Bills select John Marston. Nobody circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills but the Bills haven’t had a gunslinger like John Marston since Jim Kelly. No huddle meets no bullshit!
New York Jets
With the ninth selection in the NFL Video Game Character Draft, the New York Jets select Link and the Ocarina of Time. In a surprise move they use both to go back to 1965 and redraft Joe Namath. They still can’t beat the Patriots.
Tennessee Titans
With the tenth selection of the NFL Video Game Character Draft, the Tennessee Titans select Kratos. Gone are the days of relying on Music City Miracles to win a game in the final moments. Chris Johnson and the ground game will reign supreme once again with Kratos lead blocking everything in sight.
San Diego Chargers
With the eleventh selection in the NFL Video Game Character Draft, the San Diego Chargers select Sonic The Hedgehog. The Chargers haven’t had a runner in the backfield this electric since Ladainian Tomlinson. My only concern with Sonic is that replay technology will have a hard time keeping up.
Miami Dolphins
With the twelfth selection in the NFL Video Game Character Draft, the Miami Dolphins select Yoshi. The Dolphins may have their next great quarterback in Ryan Tannehill and this pick gives him another weapon on the field. Yoshi doesn’t have the greatest hands but his tongue will catch (and eat) everything thrown his way. You can’t coach that.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
With the thirteenth selection in the NFL Video Game Character Draft, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers select Guybrush Threepwood. After adding Darrelle Revis via a trade in the offseason, this pirate of a pick pairs ‘Revis Island’ with ‘Monkey Island’ for a daunting Buccaneers pass defense.
Carolina Panthers
With the fourteenth selection in the NFL Video Game Character Draft, the Carolina Panthers select Mega Man. Cam Newton is the Superman of the offense and the addition of Mega Man’s high-motor attack on defensive gives the Panthers a versatile specialist they’ve been missing since the loss of Julius Peppers.
New Orleans Saints
With the fifteenth selection in the NFL Video Game Character Draft, the New Orleans Saints select Donkey Kong. The Saints look to return to Super Bowl form and what better way than by adding a hard hitting star like Donkey Kong who will happily headhunt opposing quarterbacks for a ‘bountiful’ bushel of bananas?
St. Louis Rams
With the sixteenth selection in the NFL Video Game Character Draft, the St. Louis Rams select Samas Aran. Once hailed as the ‘Greatest Show on Turf,’ the St. Louis Rams have been depleted of talent in recent years. Samas Aran’s shifty and elusive Morph Ball skills will immediately fill the void in their backfield.
Pittsburgh Steelers
With the seventeenth selection in the NFL Video Game Character Draft, the Pittsburgh Steelers select Zangief. With the exit of one time Defensive Player of the Year, James Harrison, the Steelers desperately need another pass rusher and Zangief has all the tools to knock the quarterback out of the game once he gets his hands on him.
Dallas Cowboys
With the eighteenth selection in the NFL Video Game Character Draft, the Dallas Cowboys select Duke Nukem. America’s Team drafts America’s Badass. No surprise here. Who better to protect quarterback Tony Romo’s blind side than a guy who can kick ass and chew bubble gum at the same time?
New York Giants
With the nineteenth selection in the NFL Video Game Character Draft, the New York Giants select Niko Bellic. A weapon for Eli that carries a few weapons of his own. As far as receivers go, Niko Bellic is more of a walker than a runner, but you don’t need to have speed when the guy covering you is left bleeding out at the line of scrimmage.
Chicago Bears
With the twentieth selection in the NFL Video Game Character Draft, the Chicago Bears select Pac-Man. Chicago has a long history of Hall of Fame linebackers and Brian Urlacher’s exit leaves the Windy City needing yet another. With the addition of Pac-Man the menacing ’Monsters of the Midway’ get a bottomless ‘Muncher of the Midway.’
Cincinnati Bengals
With the twenty-first selection in the NFL Video Game Character Draft, the Cincinnati Bengals select Cole McGrath. The Bengals have no shortage of talent but they do lack a certain flare since the departure of Chad Johnson. Adding the ‘Infamous’ Cole ‘McOcho Cinco’ (name change pending) gives them a spark in self-promotion department.
Washington Football Team
With the twenty-second selection in the NFL Video Game Character Draft, the Washington Football Team select Thunder Hawk. Trent Williams does a fair job keeping RG3 clean during the game but he lacks the ‘Raging Typhoon’ face punch needed to knock Richard Sherman on his ass in a post game scuffle. Thunder Hawk can do both.
Minnesota Vikings
With the twenty-third selection in the NFL Video Game Character Draft, the Minnesota Vikings select the Dovahkiin trio of brothers; Fus, Ro, and Dah. Dubbed the ‘Dragonborn Defense,’ they’ll quickly conjure up comparisons to the vaunted ‘Purple People Eaters’ as they introduce Packers QB Aaron Rodgers to the “Torn Tendon Triple Check.”
Indianapolis Colts
With the twenty-fourth selection in the NFL Video Game Character Draft, the Indianapolis Colts select Sackboy. Who better to replace a quarterback sack master like Dwight Freeney than a boy with the word ‘sack’ built into his name and his body. A creative blitzer who’s shifty and deceptively strong, Sackboy is ready to bring the Little Big Pressure.
Seattle Seahawks
With the twenty-fifth selection in the NFL Video Game Character Draft, the Seattle Seahawks select Johnny Cage. Seattle hasn’t seen a linebacker this stylish and vain since Brian “The Boz” Bosworth. When it comes to autographs, Johnny has been known to sign a few (to himself). Ask him and he’d tell you, anything less than Cage would be uncivilized.
Green Bay Packers
With the twenty-sixth selection in the NFL Video Game Character Draft, the Green Bay Packers select Simon Belmont. Before Clay Matthews it was Simon Belmont’s flowing blonde locks that struck fear into the opposition. This guy’s bloodline dominated Castlevania and his resume includes dispatching Dracula. Monsters of the Midway are on notice.
Houston Texans
With the twenty-seventh selection in the NFL Video Game Character Draft, the Houston Texans select Super Mario. After drafting Mario Williams a few years back, the Texans finally get their hands on the real Super Mario. A Super Mushroom doping scandal caused him to fall in the draft but Mario says this will only motivate him to stomp the competition.
Denver Broncos
With the twenty-eighth selection in the NFL Video Game Character Draft, the Denver Broncos select GLaDOS. Peyton Manning is a very cerebral quarterback but he is getting up there in years and can’t command the Broncos offense indefinitely. Drafting GLaDOS gives the organization a comparable alternative to groom as his eventual successor.
New England Patriots
With the twenty-ninth selection in the NFL Video Game Character Draft, the New England Patriots select Leisure Suit Larry Lovage. Tom Brady has a beautiful wife, three Super Bowl rings, and a California mansion with a moat. His stud Tight End, Rob Gronkowski, can’t relate to any of that. The addition of Larry gives ‘Gronk’ a wild and crazy wing man.
Atlanta Falcons
With the thirtieth selection in the NFL Video Game Character Draft, the Atlanta Falcons select Captain Falcon. The Dirty Birds are hoping this pick will give them the extra firepower they need on defense to Falcon Punch their ticket to the Super Bowl before future Hall of Fame Tight End, Tony Gonzalez, hangs up his cleats for good.
San Francisco 49ers
With the thirty-first selection in the NFL Video Game Character Draft, the San Francisco 49ers select Nathan Drake. The team fell painfully short of their ultimate goal last season. Drake’s history of conquering the ‘uncharted’ may prove to be the missing piece they need to secure the legendary treasure of Vince Lombardi.
Baltimore Ravens
With the final selection in the NFL Video Game Character Draft, the Super Bowl Champion Baltimore Ravens select Kirby. Undersized and deceptively powerful, Kirby can take on the traits of whatever he eats. In other news, the recently retired future Hall of Fame Raven’s Linebacker, Ray Lewis, has gone missing.
This concludes the 2013 NFL Video Game Character Draft. As always if you are looking for creative copy and fun Photoshopped content for your company feel free to reach out! Cheers.